Today, I am here to celebrate my win with you all. I am a bit nervous while typing this blog because it’s unbelievable what happened last night. You know that feeling when you fight so hard that your only mission is to win, but when you finally win you feel numb, like ‘is this for real’. I am at that stage of my life because I have beat depression for right now. I won!
A few days back, I had a test regarding my depression with my psychologist to understand my progress and mental state/health. It usually takes three days or a week to compile the entire report but my therapist did it in almost two days. I was thinking deep down I did well but then began freaking out because my previous test results were not that good, and I was diagnosed with severe depression yet again.
Here we are, a little over two years from my initial depression diagnosis and I waited to learn the test results. Then, the message from my therapists via text popped up and said, “The test results are very positive, you are not in the depression category right now. Enjoy and keep it up.” When I saw the message I was frozen, numb, shocked and the next possible set of adjectives you can put related to that feeling. All I said to myself was, “Parika, 793 days and you did it. You won.” It was the best feeling ever! After I told my family and one of my dearest mentors, I wanted to share this news with you all because if you didn’t support me and my blog writing about my condition, I would have never won. I would have always felt lost, lonely, or disheartened, but YOU, my fellow warriors, was like a ray of hope to me. You made sure that I kept writing my blog to give the voice to the voiceless—others suffering from depression too.
Depression came into my life at such an awkward time that I didn’t even know what it was. I was so naive about the illness that I neglected it for so long. It came like a storm in November 2018, and since then, my life has changed. It changed me for the better. I never knew I was so strong and bold that I could fight this condition and be so vocal about it. I never knew that depression would give me the strength to speak about it, make others aware of it, and, most importantly, identify it within themselves. I have always believed in the philosophy that everything teaches you something whether you like it or not. Life molds you in such a way that it makes sure that you emerge stronger than before.
If I could not identify what was happening to me back in November 2018, I wouldn’t have been here. I would still be struggling with my emotions. But thankfully, I was able to work on it, and here I am sharing my victory with you. It’s not the end of my blogging or struggles. Nope. I will continue the fight so that someday you, my fellow warriors, will also make significant progress and will be strong enough to text me one day and say, ‘We did it too, Parika, we won.’
Some may now think that my life is back to normal, but that isn’t the case. Yes, I don’t fall under the clinical category of depression right now, but new challenges await. Today I face the world striving to be calm, to identify my emotions with each new situation, and to potentially regain what I had lost in these two years. It won’t be easy, but I am ready to face those challenges.
I don’t know how many of you have seen the movie — The Dark Knight Rises, but here is a reference to how I feel right now. I have always been inspired by the scene where Bruce Wayne (aka Batman) was able to escape the prison after so many failed attempts! Remember? That’s how I am feeling. Batman has been the most significant support in my depression journey as I always loved how he overcame his fear of bats and became one of them. Also, this line from the movie always motivates me. It’s the line when Alfred says to Bruce Wayne, “Why do we fall, sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.” That’s it. I did the same. My Alfred was my therapist. I can’t thank her enough for being in my life and believing in me so much.
I will continue to fight but I just wanted to tell you that if I can do it then so can you! We all are in this together. It’s a tough fight, actually tough does not properly describe it. Depression will break you to the core. It will try to prevent you from getting up and conquering the world each day, but you are the commanding officer here not the other way around. You can’t let the condition decide how you will live or feel. YOU, yes you can identify your feelings, fears, insecurities, and anxieties. Identify them, understand them, talk to yourself, talk to people who are struggling with the same things (though situations might differ), and seek help if you need it. Talk to someone professionally as needed. I encourage you to minimize the use of medication to solve your issues if possible. It is not always the answer. The reason I say this: medicine did not help me. It put me in a fog and confused me often. My faith, my family, my therapist, my inner strength (that I didn’t know I had) helped me. Please do your research and choose the right approach for you. It’s important because how you treat your depression will impact your quality of life.
Thank you for believing in me and encouraging me to write even when I felt like giving up. I am always here for you. I will never let you give up because it’s not just your fight; it’s my fight too. I know what I have been through, I don’t ever want anyone to face that even in my wildest dreams. Have faith, have patience, believe in yourself, and trust there is always light after darkness. Always remember the fact that — “You will rise from the ashes, but the burning comes first. For this part, darling, you must be brave.”
I am ending this blog with a quote –
“Sometimes, life will kick you around, but sooner or later, you realize you’re not just a survivor. You’re a warrior, and you’re stronger than anything life throws your way.”
Take care, hugs from afar. See you next time. ❤
Parika B., our wonderful guest blogger from India